New Year, New Journey

Okay – here’s the deal.  I’ve had a blast the last couple years dragging my happy ass to various different TV and film sets and collecting halfway decent union paychecks for my trouble.  And let’s not forget to mention the FOOD!!!

Me on set - Every. Single. Day. Source: http://gph.is/XJxIL3

But as cool as it was to be Union Core Background on a handful of shows, and get pulled for stand-in work on an increasingly regular basis, the hard truth is that I had long ago already been there, done that and handed the T-shirt down to Goodwill.  Or maybe it’s just in storage somewhere – I forget…

Sure – being SAG/AFTRA put a new shine on an old penny, but it still wasn’t my endgame.  It ISN’T my endgame.

Then again – what is an endgame to someone who fancies herself immortal?  (But that’s another blog for another day!)

Fun Fact: All these men are probably fully "spread" Source: http://gph.is/1Jgw4Ka

 

One evening, not too long ago, after putting in an appearance at an unbelievably awkward birthday party for a friend of a friend, I had a supremely Zen subway ride home.  I was actually little-m meditating on the train.  It was supernaturally quiet and I had a big-E Epiphany!  In spite of all the steps I was taking every day to “follow my dreams,” I was no longer climbing any closer to my goals.  It wasn’t your typical plateau, because I was still an object in motion.  The problem was the stairs I had been climbing to reach that next level had somehow, rather stealthily, turned into a stair-master.  This allowed me to continue to go through the exact same motions day after day without getting any closer to my objective.

Mind = BLOWN!

So what was a consciously awakened girl to do?

Honestly, I wasn’t sure. But I acknowledged verbally and publicly that it was time to shift my paradigm.  I just didn’t have the first clue how to make that happen.  And, behold, the Universe intervened. 

Very suddenly, and seemingly from nowhere, I’ve been offered a new job as a nanny to an adorable three-year old child.  It is a Monday – Thursday 9-5 gig.

Let’s not kid ourselves.  The child is THREE.  I get to essentially play 8-hour one-on-one improv engagements four days a week. 

And then I get to have the rest of my nights and weekends free. Just like that. 

If I want to submit for set work on the weekends, I can. If I want to babysit for another family, I can.  If I want to sit on a subway platform accosting commuters with my ukulele renditions of Sublime songs… Oh YEAH, baby!

FB Live footage of me on Uke circa 2014 Source: http://gph.is/1q6V916

But more importantly, I have time to be creative again!  I have time to write, and sing, and uke, and go to open mics, and YIKES – I suppose I even have time to start, um, dating!!!  

All this, because I’m meeting another one of my basic yearnings – caring for a child.

I never expected to make it this far in my life without – well, expecting and then delivering a child or two of my own.  But my journey has taken some pretty wild turns.  I don’t have regrets.  (They’re pointless when you’re an immortal…) But I do LOVE young people and young minds.  I love watching them work.  I love watching them figure out the world around them.  And I love being a part of their journey.

I’m not sure just how long this engagement is for.  It certainly is a new course heading, but I feel like I’m about to start picking up speed again to my next destination.  You know that feeling – when you’re on the tarmac and the plane engines rev harder and louder and you feel your seat vibrating and you know lift-off is finally eminent?

Back in myyy day, this is how we went to space! Source: http://gph.is/2946efu

It won’t be long now until I’m soaring high above everything else, hurtling faster into the stratosphere where I’ve set my sights for SO. Damn. Long!  So that only leaves one question, dear friends.

In this brand new year of 2017, who is coming with me???

Subway E-dick-ette for Men... (A Lil' Rant)

Men of NYC – your junk is NOT that big! 

I know you think it is.  I know you look down at yourself in the shower every morning and think, “Woah! My anaconda is enormous!  And look at those two boulders it’s hanging between.  Damn!  I better make sure to always make plenty of room for its serpentine majesty.”

So naturally, when you sit down on the subway – or even on a bench in the subway station – you feel justified in spreading your legs as far apart as your groin muscles will allow – just to make sure the massive elephant trunk dangling above your nads has room to swing freely.

Unless you ACTUALLY look like this...

Meanwhile – you’re taking up twice as much room as any given woman on the subway – including the ones who weigh more than you!  I’ve seen very large ladies squeeze their knees together, straighten their posture and somehow slenderize by a couple inches on each side in order to accommodate a fellow passenger who would like a seat. 

But you men and your giant ball-sacks – you don’t even look up from that epic game of Bubble Witch you’re playing on your iPhone that you’re holding down in the cradle of the obtuse angle formed from where your legs meet your scrotum.

Here’s a reality check.  When a well-dressed woman walks on the train, looks around, zeros in on you and murmurs under her breath, “What a huge dick,” she’s not referring reverently to your member.  She’s cursing the fact that she has to stand there with her laptop from the office and try to balance in high heels on a moving train all the way to Jamaica because you’re taking up two full seats, leaving her without a place to sit.

...don't sit like THIS!

If your boy bits really need that much room, you should be standing – because the stability afforded from your tripod gives you distinct advantage…

Thank you for your understanding in this matter! 

Hillary J.

Suspicions Confirmed...

Apparently I’m ‘unbelievably’ hot and pretty much the ‘perfect’ woman for most men…

I don’t know why I do it, but every once in a while, I find myself sticking my toe into the waters of online dating.  It’s a morbid curiosity that most closely resembles the fascination one has with a freshly dead corpse.

This week’s single’s site? LoveArts.com

It’s based out of the UK, which should have deterred me immediately because I’m really only interested in meeting men who live somewhere along the I-4 corridor between Orlando and Daytona Beach.  But I thought, maybe this site that claims to be for “arts lovers” might be the right place for a girl like me.

First of all – not many of the men on the site seem to be involved in the arts.  Big negative.  But apparently that doesn’t deter them from wanting a woman in the arts because I discovered that I’m a 99% match for most of the men who bothered filling out profiles.  Of course, that’s not hard with discriminating criteria such as “From Anywhere in the world,” “Between the ages of 21 and 50,” and “Any star sign.”  Don’t get me wrong.  I didn’t specify a star sign either – primarily due to my penchant to fall helplessly in lust with Capricorn men, who are my astrological opposite…

Sounds about right...

But to see so many men for whom I’m a 99% match simply confirms what I’ve suspected for years – I AM the perfect woman! (Probably mainly because I am a woman and not just another right hand…)

So – I’m filling out my profile and I get to the all important ‘photo upload’ page and I think, Okay, I’m going to put up a few of my recent professional shots.  I mean, I’m supposed to be putting my best face forward – right?  Not so much…

The administrator deleted all my photos – twice.  They sited the reason as: It is a suspected fake photo. Send proof of ID before uploading it again.  

Yep – apparently I’m too hot to be real…

I had to send an email in which I pasted links to my professional web site, my IMDb page and my blog to ‘prove’ this hot piece of a$$ is fully legit.

How many times do I have to tell you I'm PERFECT???

This served as yet another warning sign that there aren’t many ‘artists’ on this page because actors, models, musicians and comics all have professional “glossy studio” photos of themselves as a rule.

So this morning I discovered I had 12 profile views… By one member – a 55-year-old ‘party animal’ in Malaysia…

SoNNY – if you’re reading this, I’m sorry to say – even though I might be the ‘perfect’ woman for you, I just don’t think we’re a match…