Subway E-dick-ette for Men... (A Lil' Rant)

Men of NYC – your junk is NOT that big! 

I know you think it is.  I know you look down at yourself in the shower every morning and think, “Woah! My anaconda is enormous!  And look at those two boulders it’s hanging between.  Damn!  I better make sure to always make plenty of room for its serpentine majesty.”

So naturally, when you sit down on the subway – or even on a bench in the subway station – you feel justified in spreading your legs as far apart as your groin muscles will allow – just to make sure the massive elephant trunk dangling above your nads has room to swing freely.

Unless you ACTUALLY look like this...

Meanwhile – you’re taking up twice as much room as any given woman on the subway – including the ones who weigh more than you!  I’ve seen very large ladies squeeze their knees together, straighten their posture and somehow slenderize by a couple inches on each side in order to accommodate a fellow passenger who would like a seat. 

But you men and your giant ball-sacks – you don’t even look up from that epic game of Bubble Witch you’re playing on your iPhone that you’re holding down in the cradle of the obtuse angle formed from where your legs meet your scrotum.

Here’s a reality check.  When a well-dressed woman walks on the train, looks around, zeros in on you and murmurs under her breath, “What a huge dick,” she’s not referring reverently to your member.  She’s cursing the fact that she has to stand there with her laptop from the office and try to balance in high heels on a moving train all the way to Jamaica because you’re taking up two full seats, leaving her without a place to sit.

...don't sit like THIS!

If your boy bits really need that much room, you should be standing – because the stability afforded from your tripod gives you distinct advantage…

Thank you for your understanding in this matter! 

Hillary J.

To my Facebook Friend who is Cancer-Free Today...

I woke up with a migraine today, but this is not something to complain about – because the important part isn’t the migraine.  I woke up today.

Eight years ago on this day, waking up was much more difficult.   I had just completed my final chemo treatment after nine grueling months of punishing infusions and surgery to remove a malignant tumor named Maury from my left foot.  He took a decent sized chunk of my left foot along with him – that bastard.

And waking up on October 1^st 2006 was NOT easy.  But I did it.  And I did it again the next day – and the days after that – even though I could barely get out of bed or eat – at least I woke up.

And sometimes I forget.  I forget just how remarkable my body is for healing and rebuilding and enduring all the sh*t I put it through.  I forget just how amazing and special the people in my life are that stood with me through that ridiculously difficult time when my own (ex)spouse couldn’t be bothered to lend a helping hand – or even live in a neighboring time zone…

Sometimes I wonder where my opportunities are to succeed.  And I wonder who will love me and stand by me into my future years.  And then I see someone online rejoicing that he or she is cancer free – for one year – two years – one month…

And then I remember.  I woke up today.  And the day before that.  And the day before that. 

2006 and 2014 - respectively.  I went bald before Brittney! But s'rsly - check out the luscious locks ;) 

I whine sometimes.  My foot hurts after I’m on it for ‘too long.’  Not too shabby when the doctors told me I might never walk again.  I get a migraine and beat myself up because I didn’t get all the things done that I’d planned on that day.  Not bad – considering that for nearly two years, I couldn’t complete a simple household task without getting dizzy and winded.

So thank you Steve, for reminding me that I’m celebrating today as well.  And congratulations to you and to everyone else who woke up today after fighting the good fight.  I hope you forget too.  I hope you complain about stupid trivial things that you’re currently vowing you’ll never take for granted again.  And then, every so often, I hope you’ll remember :)