The Abundance Trap -or- Don't Forget your Attitude of Gratitude!

 It begins with the best intentions.

You read inspirational quotes.  You clarify a goal in your mind.  You radiate optimism, and your life begins to fill with all the things you were seeking.

Who ISN'T inspired by an eagle? http://aboveaverage.me/best-motivational-posters/

But then…

You fine tune your goals and up the ante.  You panic when the new goal isn’t met immediately.  Your mindset slips quietly from optimism to desperation.  You question your abilities to make things happen.  You start grabbing at leads that have nothing to do with your end goals fearfully hoping that you can change the course of the opportunity instead of staying on your own course to begin with…

And then you wake up weeks, months – maybe years later – and wonder how it all went wrong.

IT didn’t go wrong.  You went wrong.  Or in this case – I went wrong.

I stopped doing the things that were leading me to success.  I grasped at straws and systematically created my own misery and wallowed in my fear and guilt.

And today – I’m trying to check myself before I wreck myself yet again.

I’ve been in NYC less than two months.  In fact, today marks exactly eight weeks.

The first two weeks I spent unpacking, getting settled and reaching out to some of my friends who were already here.  I started meeting up with my contacts, looking for work opportunities, and writing a new web series.

Then I got really sick for two weeks…

My fifth week I registered with a high-volume casting agency, and for the last three consecutive weeks I’ve managed to book three days a week on various film and TV projects as non-union talent.

So last week, I decided that my next step was to become union, and – perish the thought – no one came up to me in the last five days waving a SAG card in my face.

So yesterday – believe it or not – I actually started to panic.  Sure – I’d worked as recently as Thursday night into Friday morning.  But yesterday (Saturday) I just started to lose my sh*t because I hadn’t booked anything for the coming week yet.  And I didn’t have a SAG card yet.  And I’m still not a household name even though I’ve been working for THREE WHOLE WEEKS in NYC…

What HAVE I done?

Booked nine days on shows, seen a Tony-winning Broadwaymusical, attended the final dress of the Radio City Christmas Spectacular, shared an elevator with the entire line up of @Midnight comics at a live taping, seen some great live comedy, rocked my first NYC open mic, reconnected with some super talented friends, made some really promising new contacts, written the first two webisodes of my new series, posted a couple blogs, attended a few writer’s group meetings, started singing with a new choir…

So what’s my malfunction???

Today – I’m taking a big breath and smiling.  Today I’m rejoicing at how amazing the last eight weeks have been.  Today, I REFUSE to panic.  Today I KNOW that I’ll get my new headshots, I’ll book more work and I’ll get my SAG card – if not this week, then next. 

Today I accept that I AM doing everything I need to be doing.  I accept that the abundance, which I am already experiencing, is still flowing freely in my direction.

 Thankful for the little things! https://emedcert.com/blog/house-quotes-motivational-posters

I’m still reaching for my goals. But TODAY I am so GRATEFUL to the wonderful people in my life who are helping me each step of the way.

And what I’m doing is more than enough.

I’ll book more work this week.  The paychecks will keep coming.  The SAG card will get here.  The comedy bookings will come.  And the truth is, for someone like me, there will always be a new goal – a new project, a new set of accomplishments to reach for.  I know that about me, and I’m glad that even after all this time I’m still trying to get better.  It keeps life interesting.  But if you don’t take time to appreciate what you’ve done, how far you’ve come and all the people and things that helped you get there, the only person you’re cheating is yourself – and I refuse to do that!

Thank you for your support!

Baby Got Your Back!

Ask yourself - Are you a bikini/lingerie model on a shoot? No? Suck it in!

Skinny Girls – please STOP sticking your asses out…

Look – no one is happier than me that “junk in the trunk” is a good thing now.  I suffered through high school in a time and place when Baby Got Back was a punch line making me the literal BUTT of most jokes. 

Shopping when you’re bootylicious?  Not much fun.  Skinny jeans will never be my friend, and Lycra spandex is a necessary fabric ingredient in anything that I plan on wearing below the waist. 

Here’s the kicker.  I grew up taking ballet lessons.  My keister juts out in spite of years of training to “pull up and tuck under.”  I have to engage my abs just fit between the closing doors on the subway. 

So imagine my confusion when I see all these perfectly lovely slender young women walking around in tight dresses sticking their butts and guts out on purpose! 

A) It’s bad for your back!  How can you tolerate walking around like that? It makes my sacrum ache just to look at you… and

B) It looks freakin’ ridiculous.  Sure, if I’m approaching you from your posterior, there is an illusion of booty.  But when I see your silhouette and realize your non-existent tummy is also bulging out the front, all I can do is shake my head.  Do you have ANY idea how hard girls like me work to flatten our abs in hopes to one-day fit into pencil skirts and tight dresses?  Any concept of how many crunches, flutter kicks and full-range sit ups I do daily to get at least one part of me to keep from bulging out of my clothes?  And you go and mock me by sticking out your tummy in order to pretend to have a bubble ass like mine?  It’s just not worth it.  I PROMISE you!

Stop! No! And Don't! Shame on this Photographer for making this gut appear!

In another five to ten years you’ll be sitting in a chiropractor’s office in tears because your hips are sore, your back always hurts and you’re adding pounds of weight every month because you can’t exercise anymore because your lower vertebrae are so screwed up.  And back issues cascade. By the time you seek medical help, it won’t be just your lower back.  It will be your shoulders, neck, hips, knees…

And what for?  To perpetuate a male fetish that comes and goes with the next Top-40 single?  To attract men on the street so you can yell at them when they catcall you?  To please a potential boyfriend who thinks ass-cheeks are more important than your cheeky personality?

Please – stand up straight!  Take some pride in the body your DNA crafted.  Enjoy wearing clothes that I’ll never be able to get one half of my tush into.  Yeah – we’re a shallow society and looks matter.  But luckily, everyone has different tastes.  And trying to look different just because it’s popular is NOT worth the pain down the road.  Suck in that gut and flaunt that skinny bod.  I would if I were you! ;)

The First Commandment of Background Work - STFU!!!

You’ve seen the ads:

Have fun and get paid!  Network TV shows and feature films need ALL TYPES as working Extras.  Call this number to get started. NO EXPERIENCE NECESSARY!

You call the number.  You fill out some papers.  Someone takes your photo and… VOILA!

A couple weeks later you are indeed on a set somewhere as a Non-Union extra for a film or TV show starring actors you may or may not have heard of yet.  In return for sacrificing at least 12 hours of you life, you will be paid a flat day rate of somewhere between $80 and $100 dollars, you’ll be fed “Lunch” (which typically is more glamorous than it sounds) and maybe – just maybe – when the project is released, you’ll be able to catch a quick glimpse of your backside or an earlobe that you can point to and tell your friends, “Hey!  That was me just then!”

See the guy across the street in the orange coat? Probably an Extra! (Photo Source)

But I’m here to tell you, that the No Experience Necessary part is a calculated risk taken by Casting Agencies.  There is a need to keep rotating through background actors on a regular basis on TV shows and films.  If you keep showing the same 20 people in the background over and over, regular viewers are going to figure out that the police in last week’s episode are now bartenders this week.  So to mix things up, Agencies sign dozens of new faces each week to keep their projects happy.  And Casting Directors for the shows themselves frequently put out calls specifically for talent that “haven’t worked this season.”

Calls like these open the door to new and hungry background performers, giving inexperienced people a chance to work on a professional crew for the first time.  The problem is, just a few inexperienced extras can considerably slow down the pace of a workday on set – a day that is already designed to be twelve hours long!

So, in light of some recent experiences in the Big Bad Apple, I’m taking some time out of my life to write some tips to new Extras – or people considering working as extras – because yes – it IS work.  And if you’re a PA, AD or Casting Director and you’d like your Background Actors to read this next mini series of posts – go right ahead and share.  Just remember where you read it first ;)

The First Commandment of Background Work – Shut the BLEEP Up!!!

Dear Background Actor,

You do not have a line of dialogue in this episode.  If you did have a line of dialogue, you would have your own private dressing/holding area.  You would go through ‘the works’ and get full hair/make-up and wardrobe, and a PA (Production Assistant) would be at your beck and call fetching you water and snacks.  You’d also have a full contract for your day’s work, and become Union Eligible. 

However – you are a BACKGROUND Actor.  Your job is to be silent while people with lines of dialogue deliver them into highly sensitive microphones during takes.

Admittedly, it’s not always easy to be silent.  Sometimes you’re given specific business (or blocking) to do that involves walking to and from marks across set, interacting with other actors in the scene, delivering food or drinks etc.

Frequently you will be told by the 2^nd AD (Second Assistant Director) or even the 1^st AD (First Assistant Director) to show a lot of energy during the take.  You’ll then be expected to match that level of energy again and again and again as adjustments are made to the lighting, lenses are changed on the camera, and actors are asked to make subtle changes to their performances. 

There will be many takes of the same scene.  You’ll be doing the same thing over and over.  And you’ll be asked to do it in COMPLETE SILENCE with high energy multiple times.

I know what you’re thinking. 

“I’m an Actor, not a Ninja!  How am I supposed to walk with lots of energy, fake a conversation with two other people, toast drinks and not make a sound?!?”

Start working on those ninja skills.  They are very important.  Sometimes you’ll make some accidental noise.  It happens.  You are cautioned by the ADs and the whole scene resets.

But please – for the love of all that that’s holy – DO NOT TALK OR WHISPER DURING TAKES!!!

No matter how quiet you think you’re being – those mics pick up everything.  EVERYTHING!!!  

With or without the Dead Cat - Audio hears it all! (Photo Source)

Sometimes the audio department asks to hold the roll because they can hear the hum of a plane that is still miles away.  The rest of us on set can’t hear it yet, but Audio knows that it will ruin the take, so they wait for it to pass.

So yes – if you’re bitching about the blister on the bottom of your foot – the guy holding what looks like a huge fishing pole with a furry chinchilla on the end of it (actually called the Boom Mic) can hear Every. Single. Word.

You will notice that after the action stops and the Director or 1^st AD yells, “Cut,” the work resumes, and suddenly there is a flurry of movement and talking.  This does not mean, however, that you need to talk. 

Chatter immediately after a take is very important to the crew.  Maybe a light needs to move.  Maybe the script supervisor realized the actress is wearing the wrong shoes for this scene.  Maybe the camera assistant needs to check focus marks.  Whatever it is – the crew chatter is VITAL to the success of the shoot. 

Giggling about pantomiming a conversation is not vital.  If your ‘scene partner’ tries to chat with you, it’s okay to smile politely and indicate that you’re being quiet while the work happens.

This can be very frustrating for first-time Extras – or even Extras who have worked before but weren’t properly schooled about the process.

When told to reset for another take, “same as the last one,” I’ve heard so many Extras grumble, “Man, why can’t the actors get it right?  They should give me the line.  I won’t f%ck it up!”

Don’t say that. 

First of all – it might have nothing to do with the actors.  There are lots of moving parts to some takes.  The shoot I was on last week had scenes involving lighting cues in the middle of takes that also used multiple camera angles where at least one of the cameras was moving and so were the actors.  There was probably a boom mic in the equation as well.  That means – for that take to be good for both cameras – the lighting department had to hear the cue and change the lights at just the right moment, the cameras had to adjust focus for each step the actor took and the actor had to hit the exact right mark all at the same time, while the boom mic picked up the sound, followed the action and DIDN’T create any shadow on the actor or the camera lens.  Now are you getting an idea of “what’s taking so long?”

With all those variables – now toss in up to fifty Background Actors who think the mic can’t hear them when they whisper or giggle – fifty human beings who are choreographed to move soundlessly behind the main action as if they had no idea that two cameras were in the room at all.

One clinked glass, rogue giggle, late cross or accidental look into the camera can destroy that entire take.  And we’re all going “back to one” aka the mark we started from.

Sometimes you’ll slip.  You’ll let the monotony get the better of you and in very low tones you talk softly to a scene partner between takes.  If you’re very quiet, you’ll probably ‘get away with it’ without a reprimand from the ADs.  BUT – the minute you hear the magic word, “ROLLING,” you must – MUST – become completely quiet.  They don’t yell, “Rolling” on set just to shut the Extras up.  That’s the word designed to tell EVERYONE – the crew, the producers and yes even the cast – to Shut the F*** Up!  If you need to be told to be quiet AFTER the crew calls “Rolling,” you have done something very, very wrong.  And you could be ejected from set.

You don’t want that.  Trust me.  Even though you may feel a little anonymous as just a face in the crowd – you’re documented.  You have a paper trail – or else you couldn’t get paid.  If you get kicked off a set for unprofessional behavior, you truly may never work again. 

I know how basic this all sounds – but believe me, if everyone on set did this, I wouldn’t be writing this post.

I’ll be writing more Background Commandments in the next few days.  I welcome comments, questions and shares.  The more people who take this to heart – the less pain and suffering the rest of us will have to endure on set and the faster we’ll all hear those magic words… “That’s a wrap!”

Subway E-dick-ette for Men... (A Lil' Rant)

Men of NYC – your junk is NOT that big! 

I know you think it is.  I know you look down at yourself in the shower every morning and think, “Woah! My anaconda is enormous!  And look at those two boulders it’s hanging between.  Damn!  I better make sure to always make plenty of room for its serpentine majesty.”

So naturally, when you sit down on the subway – or even on a bench in the subway station – you feel justified in spreading your legs as far apart as your groin muscles will allow – just to make sure the massive elephant trunk dangling above your nads has room to swing freely.

Unless you ACTUALLY look like this...

Meanwhile – you’re taking up twice as much room as any given woman on the subway – including the ones who weigh more than you!  I’ve seen very large ladies squeeze their knees together, straighten their posture and somehow slenderize by a couple inches on each side in order to accommodate a fellow passenger who would like a seat. 

But you men and your giant ball-sacks – you don’t even look up from that epic game of Bubble Witch you’re playing on your iPhone that you’re holding down in the cradle of the obtuse angle formed from where your legs meet your scrotum.

Here’s a reality check.  When a well-dressed woman walks on the train, looks around, zeros in on you and murmurs under her breath, “What a huge dick,” she’s not referring reverently to your member.  She’s cursing the fact that she has to stand there with her laptop from the office and try to balance in high heels on a moving train all the way to Jamaica because you’re taking up two full seats, leaving her without a place to sit.

...don't sit like THIS!

If your boy bits really need that much room, you should be standing – because the stability afforded from your tripod gives you distinct advantage…

Thank you for your understanding in this matter! 

Hillary J.

To my Facebook Friend who is Cancer-Free Today...

I woke up with a migraine today, but this is not something to complain about – because the important part isn’t the migraine.  I woke up today.

Eight years ago on this day, waking up was much more difficult.   I had just completed my final chemo treatment after nine grueling months of punishing infusions and surgery to remove a malignant tumor named Maury from my left foot.  He took a decent sized chunk of my left foot along with him – that bastard.

And waking up on October 1^st 2006 was NOT easy.  But I did it.  And I did it again the next day – and the days after that – even though I could barely get out of bed or eat – at least I woke up.

And sometimes I forget.  I forget just how remarkable my body is for healing and rebuilding and enduring all the sh*t I put it through.  I forget just how amazing and special the people in my life are that stood with me through that ridiculously difficult time when my own (ex)spouse couldn’t be bothered to lend a helping hand – or even live in a neighboring time zone…

Sometimes I wonder where my opportunities are to succeed.  And I wonder who will love me and stand by me into my future years.  And then I see someone online rejoicing that he or she is cancer free – for one year – two years – one month…

And then I remember.  I woke up today.  And the day before that.  And the day before that. 

2006 and 2014 - respectively.  I went bald before Brittney! But s'rsly - check out the luscious locks ;) 

I whine sometimes.  My foot hurts after I’m on it for ‘too long.’  Not too shabby when the doctors told me I might never walk again.  I get a migraine and beat myself up because I didn’t get all the things done that I’d planned on that day.  Not bad – considering that for nearly two years, I couldn’t complete a simple household task without getting dizzy and winded.

So thank you Steve, for reminding me that I’m celebrating today as well.  And congratulations to you and to everyone else who woke up today after fighting the good fight.  I hope you forget too.  I hope you complain about stupid trivial things that you’re currently vowing you’ll never take for granted again.  And then, every so often, I hope you’ll remember :)

Border Patrol: Meet me in the MIDDLE

Soooo - I usually like to keep my blogs lighthearted and/or entertainment focused.  

However, I'm sick and tired of people's damn border rants on my Facebook/Twitter feeds with no actual plan of action to speak of.  I am so sick and tired of our elected officials - BOTH SIDES - using immigration as some grudge match/voter popularity tool with absolutely zero regard to the millions of human beings it effects both within and outside of our borders. 

I'm fine if you agree to disagree with my thoughts - but I just need to say my piece and put my ideas out into the ether... Thank you!

Okay Border Patrol – TIME OUT!!!

Left, Right – I’m looking at both of you.  Can we behave like adults capable of logical thought and rational thinking for just the next five minutes?

Great!

“Close Our Border” people – in the absence of Star Trek technology capable of generating an impenetrable force field around the geographic boundaries of the US – kindly shut the fuck up!

Amnesty Lovers, Money Grubbing Planless Liberals and Pedophiles willing to essentially abduct foreign children into the country and re-assign them to loving ethnocentric “superior?” US families – you also – shut the fuck up!

There is a middle ground and it is where we now MUST meet because we’ve reached critical mass and neither one of your mantras makes any fucking sense.

(Yes – I’m swearing cause I’m sick of all your bullshit clogging my Facebook and Twitter feeds.)

Fellow US citizens, some of you have this irrational fear spawned by idiot elected officials that we’re being invaded by foreign people hell bent on taking our jobs, stealing our welfare checks, selling us drugs and having kinky Latin sex with our daughters.

In truth, the bulk of our under-the-radar guests are probably only interested in seasonal work before returning home to their families, starting a small family business and giving their kids better educational opportunities and yes – having kinky Latin sex with our daughters – can’t help it – our ladies are FIIIIINE.

Here’s the thing – we’ve made crossing the border so hard to do legally, that no one to our South is bothering with the procedure any more.  Why should they?  There are miles and miles of unguarded border and it’s really easy to disappear into a population of over 315,000,000 people.  That’s a lot of fucking people – third largest single country population in the world. FACT. (Another fact? Number one ranked China has 1,000,000,000 more!)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mexican%E2%80%93American_War

Fun fact - In 1829 Mexico closed ITS border to the US - but we crossed - illegally!

 

 We do not need to grant citizenship to every person who has entered the country illegally.  That would not be wise.  It would also give absolutely no impetus to people to come through borders at proper checkpoints and become documented. 

But deportation? Come the fuck on!  We don’t have the money or manpower to make that happen and it’s essentially the equivalent of telling a kid that she can’t sit at your lunch table because she isn't part of your clique.

And unilaterally turning people away obviously isn’t having the desired effect.  It just makes everyone want to hang out with the cool kids all the more.

We do need to DOCUMENT all of our workers and foreign residents.  That needs to happen.  That way, they can travel freely between our borders and visit their families and pay taxes and participate in police investigations without fear of losing everything they’ve worked so hard for – and yes – the lion share of our resident aliens are working.

You wanna place punitive restrictions on those who came here without following procedure by making them wait longer for citizenship or hit them with some graded tax penalties – that’s fair.

But we need to make those borders easier for people to cross legally.  We need to welcome guest workers.  We need to offer our neighbors the chance to start legal businesses on our soil.  They are driven workers and ambitious dreamers – you know – the kind your grandparents were when they risked everything to come here.

You’re afraid of them “taking” your jobs? 

Okay - so my grandparents immigrated to the States in the 1960's - but you get he idea...

Well, a more measured approach to immigration would increase job demand in the public sector for immigration officers and social workers helping our newest members of the legal labor force become assimilated to US life.  Also – we’d need more educators, since US couples are having fewer children, but our southern neighbors are still procreating and growing that vital younger demographic that will pay into social security while you sit on your retired ass and collect a check.

Immigrants are great at starting businesses.  In no time flat, they’ll be hiring your kids to work at their shops and restaurants.  

No – they absolutely should not be granted voting privileges until they meet all the requirements of US Citizenship.  Yes – they should be deported for violent crimes and drug or human trafficking.  But those assholes are the ones that will probably keep trying to fly under the radar – so they’ll be much easier to spot.

As for the unaccompanied minors? 

That’s a nasty can of worms.  No one is going to like my answer, but no one else even has a proposal at this point – so here goes.

You would NEVER kick a child out of an amusement park just because you found him wandering around inside without a ticket or his parents.  You would escort him to an office, and contact his parents and keep him there until someone came to get him.

That’s why we need to work with Mexico to establish literal refugee camps on the border to house the unaccompanied minors.  Divide the males from the females.  Give them three squares, a clean, secure place to sleep and play, school lessons and for children 15 and older, some trade school training.  Meanwhile, caseworkers from both sides of the border work to contact relatives for each child.  Nobody gets out until a parent/legal guardian comes to claim them, or they turn 18 and we can either return them safely to their home country, or offer them the opportunity to enter the US as a documented foreign national – with job skills and an assigned case worker.

This will cost money – but create jobs.  This shows humanitarian compassion, but does not encourage families to send their children on this dangerous journey alone.  But mostly, if we make documented worker opportunities easily accessible at our border crossings, we will encourage families to stay together and strengthen our nation the same way our grandparents did. 

There’s more than enough here.  With an influx of foreign workers we will be able to increase our tax base. And those workers who only want seasonal temporary work will be able to come and go freely without wondering if they’ll ever see their families again.  We work up some new standard issue photo ID cards for every man, woman and child entering the country with the intent to work.  We pass them out at the border.  We give them a specified amount of time to find housing and employment.  We assign them a caseworker to check in and help them transition.

We follow up with them biannually as they meet their residency/citizenship goals and make sure they are paying taxes, obeying laws and enrolling their children in school.  We track them as they come and go across the border to visit family over holidays.

We have a working idea of how many people are living in our country, working, going to school and paying taxes.  We have a general idea about how many people should be legally registered to vote and eligible for government assistance.  And our residents – both foreign nationals and citizens enjoy protection under the laws of the states they live in and educational and employment opportunities.

Why are we making this so hard and being so stupid? 

I really just don’t get it…

Sci-Fy/Country Mashup!!!

Last week I started a new project that I've been mentally formulating for months now.

It's a Vlog - which means there's less writing involved and more talking.  Of course, since it's me, I spend plenty of time adding written captions to the final edited and uploaded video to make it a little more interesting...

It's king of like being able to read my internal monologue while listening to my external one - talk a out going deeper into the rabbit hole!!!

However - in honor of Independence Day - both the holiday and the super fun Sci-Fi film from the late 90's - I'd like to share last week's broadcast of "Sing It Saturday" where I sang my Sci-Fy parody of a Gretchen Wilson song.

Enjoy!

It's not you...

“What have you been up to lately?”

It’s a question I’ve been hearing a lot of.

After years of virtually ceaseless cyber-pimping and e-whoring, I’ve been mostly offline for the past 8 months or so. 

I just – quit.

I quit lots of things.  Improv, blogging, writing, comedy, indie film… I wasn’t sure why. 

I went from, “I just need a couple weeks to get my head straight,” to, “I can’t do this, and I don’t know how to tell people, and now I don’t want to talk to anyone about anything or do anything or see anyone…”

In all fairness, it’s been a few super crazy years since my last ‘time out.’ 

Sometimes, I just need to put MYSELF in a corner...

 

 

And it’s not like society just gives us a hall pass any time we’re having an existential crisis.  I know – how very ‘first world’ of me – right?

But it’s true.  In the last few months, I’ve received several messages that consist mostly of, “Are you okay? What happened to you?  Where are you?”

No.

I haven’t been okay.  I’m not sure what happened to me and – where am I?  Well, my address is Winter Park, Florida, but I have few friends, no job and now that school is over, I can’t think of one good reason outside of my family commitments to stay.

But going back to Daytona isn’t the right answer either.  The easiest answer is to do nothing – change nothing – go back to being the ‘go to girl’ for a bunch of different people and projects – driving all over Central Florida every day and wondering why I’m not a household name while I’m investing all the precious time I have left on this earth in everyone else’s dreams. 

I’m not saying that other people’s work isn’t important or awesome or exciting.  But I somehow forgot the reason I went back to school in the first place – to strengthen my own brand and gain the credentials that would help me put my own projects first. 

So a few weeks ago, still floundering in my cesspool of ‘what next?’ I got a text from a friend in NYC.  He’s got a rental property that needs a tenant.  And I’ve got a life that needs a new direction.

Sure – it’s cold up there, and 13 years of Florida living has made my blood pretty thin.

Sure, there’s part of me that can’t bear the thought of leaving the family of amazing friends and artists who have worked beside me for years creating comedy, music, and more memories than I ever dreamed possible.

There’s part of me that wonders if maybe I should just stay put, curl up, cash in, call it quits and just use my family as an excuse to not seek anything more in my life.  After all, saying you’re sticking it out to help take care of aging family members is certainly noble, and much less selfish sounding than packing whatever shit you can fit into a tiny Chevy Sonic and taking a huge gamble in the middle of the second act.

But I’ve still got more to do.

You wanna know a secret?  I’m scared.  Possibly for the first time in my LIFE. 

Because in spite of my flippant insistence that I’m immortal and that I can still become a master of the universe, I’m staring down the calendars of life and wondering if I still can manage to squeeze it all in. The happy the relationship, the kids I always knew I’d have, the big budget projects, the glitzy award ceremonies, the hit singles, the international trips, the moments of absolute contentment sitting next to someone who loves and appreciates me enjoying some quiet family time and thinking, “yeah – this is what it’s all about.”

C'mon - with my killer genes it would be a crime not to replicate!

 I can still see it all – you know?  It’s like staring into a snow globe separated from this perfect reality only by glass and liquid and a sheen of swirling glitter.

I try to tell myself that time is all-concurrent and that in another plane of this very existence I already have everything that feels so far away from me now.

But I can’t enter that vision until I shatter the glass.  And breaking things gets messy.  So I guess what I’m saying is, I’m sorry I’ve been a mess.  I’m sorry if I inadvertently caused problems by dropping off the face of the earth.  I’m sorry if you took my recent avoidances personally – because in spite of the tired phrase – it’s not you – it’s me.  And now, it’s time for me to get back to me. 

And there is no better back for me than back to NYC.  I always said I’d be back – so I guess now’s as good a time as any to keep that promise. 

I won’t be leaving until September.  But it’s time to break out of the ruts I’ve been stuck in.  And as for the snow globe world – it doesn’t need to be gold as long as it still glitters…

Suspicions Confirmed...

Apparently I’m ‘unbelievably’ hot and pretty much the ‘perfect’ woman for most men…

I don’t know why I do it, but every once in a while, I find myself sticking my toe into the waters of online dating.  It’s a morbid curiosity that most closely resembles the fascination one has with a freshly dead corpse.

This week’s single’s site? LoveArts.com

It’s based out of the UK, which should have deterred me immediately because I’m really only interested in meeting men who live somewhere along the I-4 corridor between Orlando and Daytona Beach.  But I thought, maybe this site that claims to be for “arts lovers” might be the right place for a girl like me.

First of all – not many of the men on the site seem to be involved in the arts.  Big negative.  But apparently that doesn’t deter them from wanting a woman in the arts because I discovered that I’m a 99% match for most of the men who bothered filling out profiles.  Of course, that’s not hard with discriminating criteria such as “From Anywhere in the world,” “Between the ages of 21 and 50,” and “Any star sign.”  Don’t get me wrong.  I didn’t specify a star sign either – primarily due to my penchant to fall helplessly in lust with Capricorn men, who are my astrological opposite…

Sounds about right...

But to see so many men for whom I’m a 99% match simply confirms what I’ve suspected for years – I AM the perfect woman! (Probably mainly because I am a woman and not just another right hand…)

So – I’m filling out my profile and I get to the all important ‘photo upload’ page and I think, Okay, I’m going to put up a few of my recent professional shots.  I mean, I’m supposed to be putting my best face forward – right?  Not so much…

The administrator deleted all my photos – twice.  They sited the reason as: It is a suspected fake photo. Send proof of ID before uploading it again.  

Yep – apparently I’m too hot to be real…

I had to send an email in which I pasted links to my professional web site, my IMDb page and my blog to ‘prove’ this hot piece of a$$ is fully legit.

How many times do I have to tell you I'm PERFECT???

This served as yet another warning sign that there aren’t many ‘artists’ on this page because actors, models, musicians and comics all have professional “glossy studio” photos of themselves as a rule.

So this morning I discovered I had 12 profile views… By one member – a 55-year-old ‘party animal’ in Malaysia…

SoNNY – if you’re reading this, I’m sorry to say – even though I might be the ‘perfect’ woman for you, I just don’t think we’re a match…

Letting Go...

I suffered extensive first world trauma at the age of 15.  I was on a three-week student exchange in Germany when I arrived a few minutes late for a charter bus trip that I was told “under no circumstances” to be late for.

That particular morning I actually was waiting on my German Host ‘sister,’ but I got a rather memorable comeuppance from my teachers who dressed me down in front of ALL the other students in the middle of bus.

I was sure my reputation was ruined forever, but I learned a valuable lesson that day – “Take ownership for your actions and their outcomes.”

(My excuse of, “It really wasn’t my fault this time,” didn’t quite cut it…)

So I’ve built my life around taking responsibility and ownership and seeing through what I start.  But now I have a new handicap.

I don’t always know when to let go.

Correction – I usually KNOW when – I just struggle with the execution...

I’ve always had a hard time uttering the word, “no,” when asked to do something I don’t want to do.  And I’ve rarely been able to say, “I’m done,” with anything more significant than a tasty dinner.

Peas are God's way of punishing mouthy children...

So two days ago, when a person I really didn’t want to deal with called me and literally demanded that I talk to him, I put him off and told him I’d call the next day.

All the next day, I wondered why I’d told him that.  I didn’t want to talk to him.  And I didn’t want to dive back into a project that I’d finally let go of after three years of investing massive amounts of time and money.

I was done. I am done.  I’m okay with that – so why couldn’t I say it to that dipsh*t when he called me?

Those of us who work in collaborative mediums like filmmaking learn to take a great deal of ownership in our work or it won’t get done.  That’s good.

But when you’re having a staring contest with your phone because you’d rather digest and sh*t out your own tongue than make one more promise to pursue a dead avenue, it’s time to get up from the table, scrape what’s left on your plate into the trash and start over new. 

Dignity AND sign language that is...

We deserve a fresh start from time to time.  Without one, we’d go absolutely insane. So this year, I hope to learn to say, “I quit,” with dignity – and screen my calls better...